After another night of dying on stage this past Tuesday, it dawned on me that as long as I continue to do comedy, I will continue to bomb.  Granted, it’s less frequent…but it will never go away completely. 

Bombing is like a bad one night stand:  both parties enter the endeavor with the best of intentions, but somewhere along the line everything just goes to shit.  Whether in bed or on stage, here’s what I recommend when you start to smell death.

1.  Try something new - If you’re going down, you might as well learn something in the process.

On Stage - I will try my new Russian Fish and Game Warden Character, thank you very much.

In Bed - Thinking you might like a toe in your butthole?  No day like today.

2.  Focus on you - Hey, it’s your time, too.  Make sure you get something out of it.

On Stage - Screw you, audience.  I like doing scenes about how the seeds of the Iraq war were sown in the 50’s when, on the behest of the British Prime Minister, Eisenhower declared Iran a communist country.

In Bed - Jerk off.  Use that special “tug the balls” trick you like.

3.  Savor it - Pain sucks, but it’s better than not being able to experience pain at all.

On stage - Stop talking.  Look out.  Let the silence and awkwardness lap over you like the heavy, pained sighs of your disappointed parents.

In Bed - You’ve heard of S&M, right?  If you’re already feeling bad emotionally, you might as well tack on some physical pain, too.

4.  Change their expectations- If they aren’t getting what they came for, give them something else to remember.

On Stage - “No, it wasn’t funny.  But I did learn something about the geopolitics of 1950’s Iran.”

In Bed - Yeah, orgasms are great…but no one forgets someone who steals their toiletries.

5.  Fuck ‘em - Lie and pretend that you don’t care that they aren’t laughing/cumming.

On Stage - “Sure laughs are nice…but I really do this to expand the art of improvisation.”

In Bed - Keep in mind, up until 2007, no one even knew that women could have orgasms.