Last week, a friend of mine was astonished to realize that I make no money improvising, a pursuit that has consumed the last third of my life.  It got me thinking:  just how stupid of a career choice have I made?  Would it, in fact, have been more beneficial to have dedicated the last 12 years of my life to being a user and seller of methamphetamines?  Let’s examine.

1.  Money – Clearly meth dealers make more money than improvisers.  Even dealers who also use at worst end up making no money (for health effects, see 9) And their path to poverty did not involve having to do a scene as a giant, talking donut.  Winner:  Meth.

2.  Job Satisfaction - Improv is intended for the benefit of the audience, but often only results in the benefit of the doer.  Meth holds no pretense:  it’s fully aware that only the user enjoys it.  Winner:  Meth.

3.  Career Advancement -  As stated, actors don’t improvise for money.  They often improvise for the chance of booking a paying gig.  TV work, for example.  While meth users do not hope for TV exposure, their chances of some post-arrest footage is at least as likely as the average improviser ever booking anything.  Winner:  Draw.

4.  Start-up Costs - You don’t have to spend between $1,500-$20,000 learning to do different styles of meth.  Winner:  Meth.

5.  Career Longevity - Meth is a young, white man’s drug.  Improvisation is a young, white man’s artform.  Those who hang around too long in either endeavor are terrifying and look like death.  Winner: Draw.

6.  Coworker Personalities - Meth users just want to use meth, not analyze it.  They don’t talk about how, back in Chicago, “people really knew how to slowly and organically cook some crank.”  Winner:  Meth.

7.  Spouse Potential - There are at least as many attractive meth users as there are attractive improvisers.  And meth users are thinner.  Winner:  Meth.

8.  Health Effects – Meth can lead to tooth loss, anxiety, psychosis and death.  Improv can lead to sleep deprivation, anxiety, alcoholism, and awkward sexual encounters.  Winner:  Improv.  Barely.

9.  Location – The improv epicenters are Chicago, New York and Los Angeles.  You can do meth in a dumpster in Chickasaw, Alabama with no net loss of enjoyment.  Winner:  Meth.

10.  Peer Interest - A Facebook invite saying, “Come watch my Level V How to Freebase Crystal class show!” will not be disdainfully ignored.  Winner:  Meth

In a landslide, Meth Use/Dealing beats Improvisation 7-1.  And my mother might be more proud were I a dealer:  at least I would be using all of those chemistry classes I took in college.