January 2012
1 post
I left T-Mobile over two years ago. Apparently when I did, I overpaid my balance by 1 cent. A penny. So every month for the past 26 months, they send me a reminder that I have a cent credit just waiting to be used. 26 notices lovingly delivered to me for the low cost of 44 cents a stamp. I figure adding in printing and supplies, they have spent 15 dollars alerting me of my good fortune. ...
September 2011
2 posts
Comedy Lessons Learned From My Grandmother
1. Have A Partner - After my grandmother would finish a bit, she’d pitch to my unwitting grandfather with a “right Van?” Never looking up from the paper, he’d grumble out a “sure.” It was the perfect button. Over sixty years of marriage, they developed impeccable timing.
2. Embrace The Non Sequitur - We were having brunch before I moved to Germany. ...
August 2011
1 post
July 2011
3 posts
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: “Born gay? You don’t have to stay that way!”
Con: (Results not guaranteed)
Painful Insight: If only I could keep this fake smile forever, no one would know that I hate myself.
Advice for the Bombing
After another night of dying on stage this past Tuesday, it dawned on me that as long as I continue to do comedy, I will continue to bomb. Granted, it’s less frequent…but it will never go away completely.
Bombing is like a bad one night stand: both parties enter the endeavor with the best of intentions, but somewhere along the line everything just goes to shit. Whether in bed or...
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: “I can get you low financing on a Mercury Mystique…”
Con: “…as long as you can get me your niece’s phone number.”
Wardrobe Provided By: H&M Clothiers
Hair Provided By: Maybe This’ll Look Hip? Salons
June 2011
1 post
Examinations of Headshots Past
Pro: Perfect for fans of both gray and deep inner sadness
Con: Adding middle initial failed to offset ridiculousness of “Sornberger”
Evolutionary Significance: Earliest photographic evidence of the The Vneck Explosion
May 2011
2 posts
Unimpressive Extraterrestrial
The easier travel becomes, the less interesting it will be if they find life on other planets. Discovering bacteria in the methane seas of Saturn will be no more impressive than finding it in Medina, Ohio: I might not want to live there, but I’m sure something can happily adapt to that environment.
On Improvisation and Methamphetamines
Last week, a friend of mine was astonished to realize that I make no money improvising, a pursuit that has consumed the last third of my life. It got me thinking: just how stupid of a career choice have I made? Would it, in fact, have been more beneficial to have dedicated the last 12 years of my life to being a user and seller of methamphetamines? Let’s examine. 1. Money – Clearly meth...
March 2011
6 posts
Examinations of Headshots Past
Pro: No longer need to fund the “What would it look like if we spliced a human with an ostrich?” project.
Con: Bags under eyes obviously CGI’d.
Truth Time: That innocent silver chain is holding up an Ed Hardy dog tag.
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Chin at perfect angle for blistering uppercut.
Con: Smug look cannot counterbalance 9 dollar Marshalls tie.
Special Thanks: L’Oreal True Match - for covering up my chin psoriasis.
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Dad, the kids in gym class keep making fun of me because I’m not good at sports.”
“You just have to find something you are good at, buddy. In 7th grade, I found I was pretty good at doing peoples’ hair. So every morning on the school bus, I’d bring the White Rain hairspray, some Rave mousse and a bunch of fresh ideas for my fellow riders hairstyles. I do...
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey dad, how do I let a girl know I like her?”
“Been there, buddy. Have you tried putting one black velvet rose and one white ceramic rose on her porch with a note that reads, “My heart will be BLACK until you fill it with the WHITE heat of your love” then ringing the doorbell and running away?”
“Please tell me you never did that.”
“I...
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey dad, mom told me that you used to own snakes.”
Finally, we can have the talk.
“Yes, son, I had a python named Salazar and a boa named—wait for it—Balthazar. They were so much fun.”
“Really? What did you do with them?”
“I’d take them out, and they’d slither around the apartment. One time I videotaped Balthazar eating a...
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Finally answers the question, “Who farted?”
Con: Halloween color-scheme has shockingly small window of acceptability.
Intended Function: Get auditions.
Actual Function: Visual reminder that I should have gone to medical school.
February 2011
6 posts
Fictionalized Interaction with the Son I'm Never...
Rick: “Hey dad, I’m gonna borrow a pair of your cowboy boots, okay?”
And he used to be embarrassed by my Western Wear.
Me: “Of course. I have some nice, chunky belt buckles if you want to complete the look.”
Rick: “No, I’m having enough trouble not getting beaten up, thanks. Wait, are these really size 8?”
Me: “Most Sornberger men...
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Cherished reminder of that otherwise nameless photographer’s assistant.
Con: “Is it just me, or do his eyes look weird?”
Math: 600dollars/200 shots. This picture me 3 dollars.
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: “Dr. Sornberger offers pain-free sedation dentistry!”
Con: (He’s probably gonna touch your naughty bits while you’re under)
Cost/Benefit Analysis: $600 Session/1 Nissan Commercial…that I got edited out of.
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Dong gets its due. Finally.
Con: Lean says, “Hey ladies…” Wristlet says, “He-llo boys!”
Photographer Brag(?): “You know, I shot Brian Dennehy last week.”
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: The smile says, “I’m quirky!”
Con: The t-shirt says, “I’m confused about style!”
Photographer Quote: “Ugh, I wish you had brought better clothes.”
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: The negative space could star in a CW pilot.
Con: Even three-day beard growth can’t hide permanent “sad eyes”.
Trivia: Marks the beginning of my brief and misguided relationship with the flat-iron.
January 2011
14 posts
Longest SNL Intro Ever Aired Last Night
Oh my do I enjoy the Fahey Chronicles.
damienfahey:
An extremely convincing Fred Armisen
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Skin tone serves as perfect example for middle school students learning the definition of translucent.
Con: Giant face obstructing view of artsy background.
What My First LA Agent Said: “You know these make you look fat, right?”
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: My parents have the perfect memorial photo if I’m ever the victim of a hate crime.
Con: It’s 70% eyebrows.
Best Photographer Quote of the Session: “You wanna be a model? Models are usually, you know, hunky dudes.”
Low Points
As I was driving to the gym this evening, I got cut off by a larger black woman in a Camry. Thinking she was going to sideswipe me I yelled, “Learn how to drive, you fat, black cunt!”
It’s tough to sleep knowing this: When I fear for my life, I’m both a fatist and a racist.
Also, “cunt” is a hilarious word.
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Photo not jumbled by defined biceps or natural skin tone.
Con: Even the brick wall seems uncomfortable.
What My Agent Said: “This has a great Backstreet Boys feel!” It was 2006.
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Chest hair finally gets its due.
Con: Angelic backlight clearly a warehouse window.
Memorable Quote From Photographer: “Are you sure you want your hair to look like that?”
Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Pale button-down really accentuates face made pasty and puffy from years of Chicago-level drinking.
Con: Hands interfering with clear view of crotch.
How Natural That Smile Felt During Session (1-10): 8
How Natural That Smiles Looks in Picture (1-10): 1
An Examination of Headshots Past
Pro: Smile is subtle enough not to distract from frosted tips.
Con: All the airbrushing in the world unable to completely correct droppy left eyelid.
How Cool I Thought I Looked While Taking Photo (1-10): 10
Anyone Can Be a Comedian!
I came across an interesting article on CNN.com this morning. It’s about people changing careers due to the flagging economy. One section talks about Alex Barnett, a lawyer in DC who decided that his true passion was stand-up comedy. Good for you, I say. Alex, since you’re both a lawyer and a comedian, I’m sure you won’t mind if I point out some of the less cogent parts...
Fox Searchlight Boardroom: Early December
Fox Searchlight President: Hey, it’s getting expensive to send out DVD screeners to all SAG members. Let’s use iTunes and get people to watch them on their computers.
Fox Searchlight Vice President: Or iPads!
FSP: I love it! We’re a real hip company!
Assistant: But won’t they take forever to download and use an inordinate amount of memory?
FSP: Blah, blah, blah...
Best Friend
This morning, I accidentally farted in my dogs mouth when she was yawning. She wagged her tail. I will never doubt her loyalty again.
Slow Karma
Today I slow-cooked top roast with a tremendous amount of onions. As a result, I have spent the day incredibly self-conscious about the fact that I smell like a tremendous amount of slow-cooked onions.
About ten years ago, while living in New York, I took a cab to a friend’s apartment. The driver smelled terrible. Oniony.
“It was gross,” I told my friend upon arrival. ...
November 2010
1 post
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey dad, did you really spend half of your life doing improv comedy?”
I knew those Baby Einstein videos were a bad idea.
“Yes, son, I did.”
“So, like Whose Line is it Anyway?”
“No…it was a long form structure known as the Harold. It began with an opening, then three scenes, then a group…you know what, just forget it. And how do you know...
September 2010
1 post
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey dad, what did you do from 2003-2007?”
“You know, stuff. Auditions. Some shows.”
“But what did you do?”
“I went to two Incubus concerts.”
(Pause)
“Please tell me I’m adopted.”
“Do you think I had the money to buy a human being?”
August 2010
4 posts
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey Dad, why do you have a Lillith Fair ticket stub?”
I thought I locked my file cabinet.
“Well, son, there was a time when I thought that no one understood my plight as a suburban, teenage male more than Sarah McLachlan and Erykah Badu. Have you ever given Fumbling Towards Ecstasy a good listen? Let me fire it up,”
“I have to get to lacrosse practice.”
...
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey dad, why did everyone love Betty White so much?”
It’s like looking into a mirror.
“Son, she was America’s grandma. And as long as she was alive, there was hope that aging didn’t make you irrelevant.”
“What happened after she died?”
“They did a remake of the Golden Girls with the Jonas Brothers. It was somehow gayer than the...
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey pop, was Chantico real?”
They grow up so fast.
“Yes, son, it was. Starbucks woefully overestimated the populations desire for drinkable chocolate. I think I still have a coupon for a free-ah, here it is. You keep it.”
“No thanks, dad. I’m allergic to cardstock.”
I know you are, son. I know you are.
Fictionalized Interactions with the Son I'm Never...
“Hey Dad, whatever happened to Anne Geddes?”
I knew this day would come.
“Well, son, after fifteen years, all of the possible combinations of babies and flora had been exhausted. Now she just trawls bowling alley parking lots like a normal pervert.”
“Thanks, Dad. Can I borrow the Focus?”
“After you finish your ham, Cooper. After you finish your...
July 2010
1 post
What I Really Learned from P90X
Contact Drea for all of your dancing, gymnastic and aerialist* needs (*greatness of ease guaranteed!)
Like a charming anecdote, a good Gumby/Tin Man analogy will never let you down.
Tony’s hidden talent #1: Pterodactyl Finding. Specializes in locating ones that just got into trouble.
If you think living on a boat is...
May 2010
0 posts
Another Chicago Scandal
At Wrigley, when the opposing team hits a homerun, the ball is thrown back onto the field. It’s the perfect “get your shit out my house” move. Even though I’m not a Cubs fan, it’s my favorite baseball tradition. My second favorite? The Yankees blaring of Cotton-Eyed Joe during the seventh-inning stretch. When someone composes a more perfect song, you let me...
April 2010
2 posts
Realism
My friends think I’m depressed because I picked myself in our death pool. I’m not depressed; I just hate surprsises. Every morning I wake up and think, “I’ll probably be dead by noon.” Then I eat breakfast. My oatmeal tastes amazing.
March 2010
1 post
Excuse Ranking
“I can’t make the class show this weekend,” one of my students said. “I have to go to my nephew’s birthday party.”
Fine. I can’t argue with that.
“I also can’t make it,” said another. “I have Wrestlemania.”
(Pause) Okay…
“Oh, I’m not watching it. I’m in it.”
And he’s not lying.
...
January 2010
2 posts
Leno As Metaphor
In 2010, the majority of the Baby Boomer generation will be solidly in their 60’s. Retirement age. A time when most willingly pass the torch of labor to the younger, less-tired masses. Most except for Jay Leno. He, apparently, refuses to leave. Even by the chin of his chinny chin chin.
Now, Jay, I don’t think it’s entirely your fault. You’re the champion of the...
A Gentlemen's Agreement
It’s a simple resolution, really: don’t feed the beast of schadenfreude. I’ll not smile smugly when the gym crowds thin out on February 1st, or gloat quietly when friends stop investing in their careers and start reinvesting in their liquor consumption. Hey, sad-faced lady smoking in your Civic: ignore your shame. I’m not judging you. Everyone stay fat, drunk, lazy and...
December 2009
1 post
Crime Solver II
Concern: For months the corner of Venice and Hauser has smelled like burnt toast. It’s eerie, especially given that there are no food establishments in the vicinity. Discovery: On my way home from the theater tonight, I saw a man vigorously humping his shopping cart on said corner. I mean he was really having his way with it. It was quite impressive. Conclusion: Giving a shopping cart...
November 2009
3 posts
Ego
Monday is trash day. And my dog, understandably, is terrified of garbage trucks. She is most concerned with the large extending claw that reaches out and picks up the cans two at at time. Again, this makes sense: it’s at her eye level, it thrusts from seemingly nowhere, and on grumpier mornings I’ve told her that, if she doesn’t stop sniffing, I’m going to let the claw...