Officials found Al Qaeda’s plans for future attacks embedded in a German porn video:

• I guess those poop films weren’t so disturbing.
• Makes sense why airport pat-downs have gotten so intimate.
• The real heroes?  Masturbaters everywhere.
• Now I’m going to be even more suspicious of the pizza guy.
• “Need to stay in and decode terrorist activity” sounds way better than “Can’t go out tonight because I’m wacking it.”  
• If they’re used to porn stars, terrorists are going to really disappointed by those 72 virgins.
• Leave it to the Germans to make the ultimate snuff film.

Rick:  Dad, do we have to go to TJ MAXX again? 

Me:  It’s Thursday. 

Rick:  So?

Me:  New belts come in on Thursday.

Rick:  You do know you’re 47, right?

Me:  Never say my age again if you hope to borrow my leather jacket.

Rick:  That’s a vest.

Me:  IT’S A SLEEVELESS JACKET!

Pro:  Ladies, I’m interested…

Con:  (in doing some creepy shit with your panties.)

Regret:  The sales clerk said I shouldn’t return the jacket because, “Chris O’Donnell wears the same one on NCIS.”

Rick:  Hey dad, why was mom first attracted to you?

Me:  Probably my sense of humor.

Rick:  Sorry, your only two options are your lack of gainful employment or your collection of Affliction T-shirts.

Me:  I think she also liked my eyes.

Rick:  Nope.  Crappy job or ridiculous clothes.

Me:  Okay, smartass, why don’t you just ask her yourself?

Rick:  She’s busy looking at pictures of old boyfriends on Facebook and crying. 

I left T-Mobile over two years ago.  Apparently when I did, I overpaid my balance by 1 cent.  A penny.  So every month for the past 26 months, they send me a reminder that I have a cent credit just waiting to be used.  26 notices lovingly delivered to me for the low cost of 44 cents a stamp.  I figure adding in printing and supplies, they have spent 15 dollars alerting me of my good fortune.  T-Mobile’s corporate values hierarchy apparently reads as follows:

1.  Honesty

2.  The Environment

3.  Good Business Sense

4.  Feeding That Gangly Spokeswoman

I don’t take this as some grand metaphor for corporate ineptitude.  It’s an extremely minor issue, and T-Mobile has bigger problems…namely, “how the FUCK do we get that FUCKING iPhone?”  But, like an ex-girlfriend who casually emails to say she found your Stone Temple Pilots cd (I’m very obviously in my 30’s), there seems to be an ulterior motive.  So let me say this:  if you want me back, T-Mobile, just say so.  There’s no point wasting money being coy.  Put that cash towards something useful.  Like a cheeseburger for your spokeswoman. 

Someday my roast will come.

1.  Have A Partner - After my grandmother would finish a bit, she’d pitch to my unwitting grandfather with a “right Van?”  Never looking up from the paper, he’d grumble out a “sure.”  It was the perfect button.  Over sixty years of marriage, they developed impeccable timing.   

2.  Embrace The Non Sequitur - We were having brunch before I moved to Germany.  During a lull in the conversation, my grandmother said, “Be sure to freeze some of this pumpkin soup into cubes and take it with you.  You never know when you’ll get locked in an attic.”  Then she went right back to her coffee.

3.  Don’t Shy Away From Racier Material - See above.  It’s a non sequitur and Holocaust joke all rolled into one.

4.  Don’t Get Distracted While Performing - One Thanksgiving, she loudly farted mid-story and kept right on talking without missing a beat.  Pure brilliance.

4.  Be The Character The Audience Has Grown To Love - Was she a bit odd?  Sure.  Did she play it up when others were around?  You bet. 

5.  Find Humor In The Pain - She came from a big family without much money and had a bigger family with even less money.  She could have been miserable.  Instead she was weird and wonderful.  Maybe it was just a mask she wore to protect us.  But that leads to the most important lesson:

6.  Respect Your Audience - Their lives are hard, too.  They came to be entertained…so do your best to entertain them. 

RIP, Grandma.  I love you.

A mime joke AND a Chuck Norris reference?  Oh my, ERA, aren’t we the detergent of 2006.

Pro: “Born gay?  You don’t have to stay that way!”

Con:  (Results not guaranteed)

Painful Insight:  If only I could keep this fake smile forever, no one would know that I hate myself.

After another night of dying on stage this past Tuesday, it dawned on me that as long as I continue to do comedy, I will continue to bomb.  Granted, it’s less frequent…but it will never go away completely. 

Bombing is like a bad one night stand:  both parties enter the endeavor with the best of intentions, but somewhere along the line everything just goes to shit.  Whether in bed or on stage, here’s what I recommend when you start to smell death.

1.  Try something new - If you’re going down, you might as well learn something in the process.

On Stage - I will try my new Russian Fish and Game Warden Character, thank you very much.

In Bed - Thinking you might like a toe in your butthole?  No day like today.

2.  Focus on you - Hey, it’s your time, too.  Make sure you get something out of it.

On Stage - Screw you, audience.  I like doing scenes about how the seeds of the Iraq war were sown in the 50’s when, on the behest of the British Prime Minister, Eisenhower declared Iran a communist country.

In Bed - Jerk off.  Use that special “tug the balls” trick you like.

3.  Savor it - Pain sucks, but it’s better than not being able to experience pain at all.

On stage - Stop talking.  Look out.  Let the silence and awkwardness lap over you like the heavy, pained sighs of your disappointed parents.

In Bed - You’ve heard of S&M, right?  If you’re already feeling bad emotionally, you might as well tack on some physical pain, too.

4.  Change their expectations- If they aren’t getting what they came for, give them something else to remember.

On Stage - “No, it wasn’t funny.  But I did learn something about the geopolitics of 1950’s Iran.”

In Bed - Yeah, orgasms are great…but no one forgets someone who steals their toiletries.

5.  Fuck ‘em - Lie and pretend that you don’t care that they aren’t laughing/cumming.

On Stage - “Sure laughs are nice…but I really do this to expand the art of improvisation.”

In Bed - Keep in mind, up until 2007, no one even knew that women could have orgasms.